Turning the page...

I happened across a quote a while back that really had me thinking.

"If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday, you have the opportunity to write a new page."

I've been terrible about blogging.  I tried to write when I had funny or positive things to share. In 2011, those things were few and far between. I've said it once, and I'll say it again; that year sucked and I'm not even a little sad to see it go. In addition to some tragic happenings, I struggled with my own personal and health issues. Maybe I didn't blog because I just didn't want my blog's pages to be filled with sadness, followed by depression, followed by self-loathing. That sounds like a less than magnificent story...

So even though I've really tried hard to not be a Debbie Downer in my blog, I think I'm in need of a little catharsis. It's not really happy. It's not really funny. It's not really positive. But it's the truth, and whether I like it or not, it's part of my story.  I promise if I can get through this, it'll be all rainbows and bunnies from this point on.

I had mentioned in a previous post that the hubs and I weren't necessarily "trying" to have a baby, but we weren't trying to prevent it. That was way back in April. The fact is that we hadn't been trying to prevent it for a while before that. At first, I didn't think much about it. You can tell from my post that I wasn't even completely sure it was a good idea. After a few months of not preventing and nothing happening, I started to feel sort of anxious about it.

In June, I decided that it was time to get checked out, just to make sure all our ducks were in a row and that we were both healthy enough to conceive. Turns out, I wasn't. The odds weren't in my favor, the deck was stacked against me, yada yada yada. I felt like Miranda from Sex and the City when she found out she had a lazy ovary.

But then a funny thing happened...

I went from not even being sure, to wanting a baby more than anything in the world. Maybe I like a challenge...Maybe everyone wants something the second they're told they can't have it... Maybe It was just the kick in the pants I needed to really know what was important to me. All of a sudden, I didn't care what obstacles were in my way...I was gonna make this happen come hell or high water.

And so it began...the doctor appointments, the thrice weekly ultrasounds, the inability to make plans because I had no idea what my cycle was going to be, the hormones, the clomid, the injections, the pills, the ridiculous mood swings, the hope, the desperation, the despair. Month after month...for 6 months...lather, rinse, repeat...

In the meantime, everything in my body was falling apart. I was gaining weight at an astronomical rate. My hair was starting to fall out in clumps. My face was ravished by cyctic acne...I mean, that shit hurts! At the end of 2010, after 4 months of prescribed anorexia, I felt better about myself than I had in my entire life. I had lost 50 pounds, my skin was clear, I felt confident and better than ever. Flash forward just one year later, and I had gained all of the weight (plus some) back and I've never felt worse about myself.

I do not like who I've been over the past year. I have found myself feeling envious, no...downright JEALOUS of everyone who has what I want. I have found myself playing the victim, saying "WHY ME??!!!" more than I care to admit to. I have been tempted to punch people in the throat for asking me why I've been married 5 years and don't have kids. I've cried to the point of gasping about things I have no control over. I have avoided seeing people that I love and that love me because I'm humiliated by my failures...

All of this stuff is enough to drive a person to a deep dark place, and to be honest, I've been in one for a while. I never thought I could cry so much or feel so hopeless. But before you stop following my blog because it's depressing, know this; I'm starting to come out of the dark. Don't get me wrong, my eyes are still adjusting to the light, but it's there and it's bright.

Everyone has their sob story. That's mine. But here's my silver lining...my hope for 2012. If my number one dream in life is to be a parent, then I'm 100% confident that I can achieve that. My goal is not to be pregnant. Sure I'd love to see what kind of genetic combination Sudhir and I would produce, however, there are so many paths that can lead me my ultimate dream of being a parent.

I've begun the long road to getting healthy again. I have all the hope in the world that I can do this. If in 6 months to a year, I'm in a better place, I'll give the fertility stuff one more go. If it's not in the cards, it's not. God knows who is meant to be in our family. If it's from my womb, great. If it's not, I'm not one to question His authority.

I am the author of my magnificent story. I hold the pen.

Consider the page turned.

The next chapter is gonna be a good one, dammit...