Can you smell the Patchouli?

So I said that I was done being all depressed and feeling bad about myself. I wasn't kidding, people. For the last few weeks, I've been doing damn near everything in my power to feel better about myself. I've been going to an endocrinologist and doing all the medical stuff (the labs, the prescriptions, etc...) I've also been abiding by a strict low carb diet and have lost 6.7 pounds in three weeks!

But in addition, thanks to the great invention of Groupon, I've been trying some other, um...how shall I put it?...New agey, wholistic, granola-esque, weird stuff too. Groupon was having a deal on hypnosis so I decided to buy three sessions. A few people have asked me about it and if I think it's working.  It's not like Office Space. There are no swinging pendulums. I just had my third session. I have no idea if it's working or if it's worked. I can't even exactly tell you what happens in the hour that I'm there. I can tell you what he says at the beginning. I can tell you that he counts down to 1 at the end and I open my eyes. What happens for the other 56 minutes in between is a mystery. All I know is that I wake up feeling like I took the world's most refreshing nap...

Then, a couple of my friends recommended that I try something called NAET treatment. I mean, every single time I try to explain this process to one of my friends, I can see that look on their face. The "I can't believe someone who's smart and educated would buy into this nonsense..." look. I tell you what though...I'm a believer now. I mean, it's craaaaaazy. Completely crazy. I'll try to briefly explain the process and what it claims but I'm sure you'd be better off looking at something legit. Don't be discouraged by the fact that the website looks like something my 13 year old cousin put together for a class project.

Okay, so here was my experience. I went in and the woman (who happens to also be a registered nurse) told me that the first thing she'd have to do is some muscle testing.  I had never heard of such a thing. My initial reaction was to ask if it would hurt (cuz that's how I roll). She assured me that it wouldn't. She pulled out something that reminded me of a Trapper Keeper full of vials that had clear liquid in them. Each one had a little label on it.

She had me hold my arm out and she told me to resist her pushing it down. I did. She couldn't move it at all. Then she had me hold one vial at a time while she proceeded to do the same thing. The theory is that if something doesn't make you stronger, it makes you weaker. For the first 6 or so vials, my arm was essentially useless. It was like I had noodle arm. I was sure that my arm was just tired so I told her that I didn't think I'd be able to hold my arm up for anything. The conversation went a little something like this:

Arti: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that my arm is just really tired and I won't be able to hold it up for anything.
Witch Doctor: Do you want me to prove you wrong?
Arti: Sure, I'd love that.
Witch Doctor: Taking the vial out of my hand completely.  Resist now.
Arti: Okay.
Witch Doctor: unable to move my arm at all. See? Your arm isn't tired at all.
Arti: Yeah, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm not holding something.
Witch Doctor: handing me a pencil. Okay, hold this.
Arti: Okay. Taking the pencil.
Witch Doctor: unable to move my arm at all. See? Do you believe me now?

At this point, I wasn't really convinced but I proceeded to do as she told me. She told me my biggest imbalance was hormonal. Shocking, I know. She said that she'd treat that first. She gathered up a bunch of vials labeled with strange things like, "worthlessness", "hopelessness", "guilt", "depression", "helplessness", "thyroid", "estrogen", "progesterone" and other things that worried me because I wondered how she knew I felt all those things. She plopped them in a jar, and handed them to me. I became increasingly alarmed because the hand holding the jar started to feel real funky.

She told me to hold the jar for 10 minutes. Then she had me hold the jar to my forehead as she had me do certain breathing exercises as she hit pressure points on my spine. At the end of doing that several times, she told me not to eat any meat or dairy that might have hormones in it for 17 hours, to hit my pressure points every 2 hours while awake, and to call her if anything strange happened. I still didn't particularly buy into all of this hocus pocus...but, I agreed and asked if there'd be any side effects. She said the only side effect would be that my period might be late or skip or be early. That seemed highly unlikely since you can set a watch by Aunt Flo's visits.

And then it happened.

She arrived 11 days early and she was pissed.

Now, I'm not a scientist, but that's pretty convincing. I have no idea if this stuff is helping or if it's just a waste of 45 bucks a week. I do know that it can't be hurting. I also know that I feel better. I feel more positive and energetic.

So... I guess I'll keep on keepin on and see what happens.