Pulling the Goalie*

* This post is going to be what we'd label an "overshare".  Consider yourself warned...

I'm 32 years old.  I've been married for just about 5 years.  We've got a solid marriage, we've got a home, we're both gainfully employed, AND....we're childless.  WTF, right? 

I've been blessed with parents who (whether from repeated conditioning or the kindness of their hearts) have never put pressure on me to procreate.  However, society as a whole sets expectations upon women.  When you're little girls, they ask you what you wanna be when you grow up.  When you're in high school, the questions are around what college you're going to or what you're going to major in.  Then in college, it's all about if you're dating anyone, or found a job, or are going to grad school, etc.  Then, you can't even be happy with dating.  It's more about whether or not it's serious.  Let's say you then get engaged.  One might think you can just enjoy that for a while, right?  Uh uh.  Not so.  When is the date?  What are the colors?  Who is in the bridal party?  What's the Venue?  Where's the honeymoon???  It's exhausting, really.  So, finally...all that nonsense is over.  Then it starts...

"When are you guys having kids?"

Okay, first of all...why is that an assumption?
Second of all, why is it your business?
Third of all, aren't you going to feel like an ass if I can't have kids and it's a sore subject for me?

I could probably go on.  You might be able to sense that I'm a little sore on the subject.  That's probably due, in part, to the fact that I've been told on numerous occasions by numerous gynecological experts that having children is going to be difficult for me.  I even went on that scary starvation diet for a while in order to get my hormonal and ovarian issues in check so that it would be a possibility.

Mission accomplished. 

So why, then, have I been stalling?

Allow me to elaborate:

• Lack of maternal instinct: I told Sudhir when we were dating that I didn't want to have kids.  This is because I just never cooed at babies or had some picture or goal in my head of having one.  He claims that  he thought I was joking.
• I think I'm really selfish:  I once said that the reason I'm scared to have kids is because my parents are a tough act to follow.  They would literally do ANYTHING for my brother and I.  They put our needs ahead of their own at every possible turn.  I like my things.  I was worried that if it came down to Junior getting braces or me having a nice car, my kid was going to have a snaggle tooth.
• I had a really sheltered existence:  Seriously, I did not do anything bad growing up.  The only things I lied about to my parents were the things that I felt I would be able to do if my parents weren't foreign (i.e. going to school dances, staying out past 8pm, etc)  I didn't know that people drank, did drugs, had sex, or went to parties in high school.  I had a good group of friends, and we played sports, went to the mall, or to Denny's.  Cool? No.  Safe?  Yes!  Seriously, have you seen MTV Skins?  I'm truly horrified that this show depicts people who are 15-16 years old.  When I was 15 or 16, I didn't know what "69" meant.  Christ.  These kids are having Orgies and shit.
• I'm not stoked to pass on my genetic material:  I have had a myriad of losses as far as the genetic lottery goes.  I'm chubby, am insulin resistant, and have either had surgery or problems with all my major reproductive organs.  Oh, and the hubs has issues of his own too (diabetes, asthma, etc.)  Obviously, if we have a child, we will love it unconditionally.  However, it's kind of terrifying to think of having a child that you have to watch go through some of the things they might have to go through.  I've seen my cat (Chai) get sick repeatedly, and I can barely stand that.  And obviously, I didn't even give birth to Chai and he's not a person.  Just sayin'.
• I want to travel with my husband:  Truth be told, Sudhir hasn't done a whole lot of oversea traveling.  None, if you don't count the obligatory trips to India.  Let's face it, even those were over 10 years ago at this point.  However, as you may know, I love to travel in theory.

 All this aside, I've been making a list in my head of reasons why I do want to have a child:

• I love Sudhir:  I can't imagine denying anyone that I love so much of anything that they truly want.  I also think he will be an AMAZING dad.  To not facilitate that kind of awesomeness would be a real tragedy.
• The cute factor:  I really think that if Sudhir and I had a kid, it would be unreasonably cute.  Sudhir says that our child will be 80% eyeball at birth because we both have really big eyes (he, more so than I)
• My parents: My parents deserve to have a grandchild, dammit.   They are awesome people and even though they don't pressure me, I can see that desire in their eyes.  Also, if I am to have a kid, I want my parents to be a vital and active part of their life.
• Me: Finally, I've given a lot of thought to this.  I'm still totally scared that I'm not going to sprout maternal instincts overnight.  However, as my friends & family start to have kids, I've noticed that I do coo at babies, and I miss them when I don't see them.  So, maybe I'm just like Miranda from SATC...  Maybe I don't like all babies.  Maybe I just love the ones that I love.  And maybe, that's okay.

All that said, I think it's time.  I'm too old to wait for the right time because "the right time" is a mythical creature that doesn't exist.  If I wait till we go to Italy, it may never happen.  If I wait till I'm ready, it might never happen.  I imagine that it won't be easy for me to get pregnant...

so...instead of saying that we're "trying" to have a baby, we're just going to say that we're not trying to prevent it.  Pulling the goalie, if you will.  What will be, will be.





Wish us luck...